The Boeist Bible
by haveyouseenmyhaggis
Summary: The Doctor discovers a so-called "Bible" dedicated to none other than Jack Harkness and Rose insists on reading it, to his everlasting horror. Purely for fun. \Discontinued/
1. The Beginning

**Title: The Boeist Bible**

**Summary: The Doctor discovers a so-called "Bible" dedicated to none other than Jack Harkness and Rose insists on reading it, to his everlasting horror. Purely for fun.**

**Author's Note: This is by no means a serious fic. Pure parody. This was actually inspired by a fic I wrote with Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley, **_**Converting To Boeism **_**which can be found on my page near the bottom of my fic list. This story stands alone and I really hope you enjoy it. I'm not yet sure how regularly this will be updated considering my exams are coming up soon but I hope you like this. Please leave a review. Any ideas for stories you think might like to see in the "Boeist Bible" are very welcome and I'll see what I can do! Thank you to L.C for her help! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own **_**Doctor Who. **_

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The Doctor walked causally around the TARDIS one lazy afternoon. He'd just been to California Planet and spent a wonderful day eating ice cream and lying on the beach with Rose Tyler. He'd never felt more relaxed and at ease with the world. Perhaps they could do it again sometime soon.

Suddenly, something caught his eye and he frowned. A book was lying on the floor beside the consol. Crouching down, he picked it up tentatively and nearly dropped it almost instantly. The air was filled with a piecing, horrified scream that seemed for all who could hear like the world was coming to an end. The Doctor threw the book down, screaming at the top of his lungs and hurrying to the other side of the room. It couldn't be! He couldn't face it if it was. Please say it wasn't…

"Doctor!" Rose said, alarmed as she launched down the stairs with a look of intense panic on her face. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"No!" the Doctor gasped, "No, I'm not!"

"What's wrong?" the young pretty blonde wanted to know, looking around the room for some evidence of what was actually happening. The Doctor's evident terror had alarmed her and her mind was racing with all sorts of wild thoughts: Daleks? Cybermen? The Master?

What she was not, however, expecting was for the Doctor to say, "Jack!"

"What?" Rose queried, confused, "Isn't that good?"

"NO!" the Doctor said, backing into the wall with wild panic burning in his eyes. He looked almost deranged and if the situation hadn't been so confusing, Rose would have laughed. "It's like my dream!"

"What dream?" Rose raised her eyebrow, "Oh please…"

"You know the one… The one where Jack tried to convert us all to Boeism! He made us all live in his temple and wear his stupid uniform and read us the Boeist Bible!"

"You mean the dream that caused you to drag me off to the Boeshane Peninsula and try and stop Jack's parents from having sex with each other?" Rose scoffed incredulously. "Which clearly had no effect whatsoever."

"Yes, that dream!" the Doctor said frantically, "The Boeist Bible! It's here, Rose, it's here!" Now crouching down against the wall, he pointed towards the book lying perfectly innocently on the floor. The Doctor saw passed it's pretence though; he knew that the book was filled with nothing but evil, perverted stories all featuring none other than Jack Harkness.

Rose giggled and made to pick up the book despite the Doctor gasping. She examined the shiny gold cover and black lettering spelling out the words "The Boeist Bible". Her eyes widened slightly but she assumed it must be some sort of joke on Jack's part, just a trick to scare the Doctor. "What harm can it do?" she asked the Doctor as she went to open the first page.

"NO!" the Timelord yelled again, covering his ears in panic. "Don't!"

Rose grinned, turned to the first page and began to read. "_In the beginning there was a prophecy that a newborn child would be the new beginning of the world. His birth would signify the dawning of a new age. He would live for many, many years and influence the lives of many. He would be a protector, a brother, a friend, a lover and a revolutionary. He would be what the universe needed."_

At this point, Rose paused in her narrative to allow herself to regain her breath from trying not to laugh. The Doctor was looking appalled and to be frank, downright terrified. Sniggering, Rose carried on reading, "_So it happened that a mysterious and remarkably attractive figure wearing a unique combination of converse shoes and a pinstriped suit-."_

"Please stop reading," the Doctor begged miserably, looking pleading and desperate. "This is the story he read in the dream… Oh no, Rose! It's a premonition! It's all coming true! He'll walk in now and-."

Rose laughed hysterically, tears streaming down her face and then continued in the story, "_appeared one day and spoke to two young lovers living in the Boeshane Peninsula. According to a lowly fisherman whom happened to be passing by, the man said, "Hello. I'm the Doctor and you must be Mr and Mrs…Jack's Parents. Now listen to me closely. Whatever you do, do not have sex. I repeat! Do not have sex, if you do you will produce the spawn of the devil and the most horrifying man in the universe! He will be a conman and a time agent with a sex God complexion and he'll live forever just to annoy the hell out of every living being. Goodbye." It is widely believed that these facts are to a large extent untrue seeing as that very hour, the two young adults were making love to each other under the allusion they were doing something for the good of the universe." _Rose gaped at the book and looked up at her friend whom was looking horrified, "We're mentioned in the book! He even wrote down exactly what you said!"

"Why didn't they listen?" the Doctor sobbed hopelessly.

Rose shrugged, "I wouldn't know. But this is good!" She looked back to the book and continued reading, "_Soon later they had a son. He was born at dawn and the sun shone high in the sky and his parents knew that was going to be the best thing in their lives. This truly was a new dawn for the universe." _

"Yes," the Doctor agreed, "But not in a good way."

"_As predicted, he was called Jack. People travelled miles to the Boeshane Peninsula to bring gifts to the child. Jack grew from a baby to a toddler to a child and all the while people marvelled at his amazing talents and gathered from afar just to hear him speak his words of wisdom. It was rumoured that the Gods themselves were guiding Jack in everything he did just to be sure that he would not stray off the path of brilliance. He became a model for a large while and people bowed to his stunning figure. Jack loved the attention." _Rose paused with an eyebrow raised, "Seriously? This all sounds so much like our Jack."

"Please, make it stop!" the Doctor sobbed desperately.

"There's only a bit left," Rose smiled, "_For many years Jack grew and developed as a person and became more and more loved for his sheer awesomeness. He was gorgeous and everyone adored him. He would soon have many, many adventures. His first act of kindness however, was buying his parents a pair of working hearing aids upon the realisation that they were, in fact, practically deaf and had been since before Jack's birth."_

"So that's why they didn't listen to me!" the Timelord realised, looking mortified. "This is awful! Put that book down, Rose! Please!"

"Nah, I want to read the rest!" she giggled, settling herself in a chair and turning the page.


	2. The Sex God's Blessing

**Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter: NoVacancyMind, Maple, To A Skylark, Voldy, Josie, Harlequin Shadow, Queen Nightshade de Freak and L.C! Also, those of you who favourited this are equally as awesome! **

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"Seriously, Rose, I'm begging you! Put that book down!" The Doctor was beginning to get rather frantic as he sat on the floor of the TARDIS, leaning against the door. His eyes were wide and oddly terrified but his companion couldn't help but find this more than a little amusing.

"Aw, come on, this is comedy _gold_!" Rose giggled as she flicked through the red, leather-bound book. "You have to hear this one! Check this out! _Jack and the Sex God's Blessing!" _

_"_No!" the Doctor commanded, trying to make himself sound stern. He failed. Rose ignored him and made herself comfortable in one of the chairs around the consol and settled down to read aloud.

_"Jack grew up very loved and cared for. There was no doubt that he was the most beautiful man to walk the planet. Everyone loved just to look at him. One day when he was fifteen, the wonder that is Jack Harkness was lying on his bed basking in his own awesomeness, when a bright light filled the room." _Rose paused in her narrative and looked at the Doctor whom had a quietly stunned look on his face. He seemed to have given up protesting for the moment and simply resigned himself to listening. He was clearly expecting something horrific to happen though.

Rose sniggered and then turned her eyes back to the page, "_For a moment, Jack was afraid but then a voice spoke to him from the light "Do not be afraid!" and Jack, being fearless, got to his feet and demanded to know what was going on. The voice replied quickly, "I am here to bless you. I am the Sex God and you, my young prodigy, show promise.""_

Here, the Doctor choked abruptly and looked horrified, "It doesn't actually say that, does it?"

"Yup," Rose nodded, tears of laughter streaming down her face as she tried to keep her voice even as she read the next part of the story, "_Jack was very flattered but something like this was hardly unexpected when he was so unbelievably attractive. The Sex God continued "I can predict you will bring much pleasure to many men and women. Or anything that breathes. You are hence forth, given my blessing that will help you excel in every relationship you embark on." _

"Please tell me it doesn't say that?" the Doctor whimpered pathetically as he watched Rose intently hoping for any evidence that she might be lying. In fact, he was quietly praying that it wasn't true. "You mean, he actually wrote that?"

"It would appear that he did," Rose giggled slightly, frowning as she tried to see any form of logic behind it. "I suppose," she said slowly, "It does kind of make sense... I mean, hardly anyone says no to him. He's got, you know, charm."

"I'll give him that, but a Sex God's blessing?" the Doctor repeated incredulously, "Seriously?" It appeared the Doctor was beginning to hide his horror behind some form of scepticism. He stood up and walked over to the TARDIS consol and started winding a crank on one of the control panels. He focussed very intently on what he was doing and tried to block out what Rose was reading aloud.

"There's more!" the blonde human said with a smirk, "_And it appeared that the Sex God's blessing served Jack well in his future life. He had a number of adoring girlfriends, boyfriends and something-in-between-friends. Each one said that he was the most incredible man they'd ever met. They usually broke up because Jack was not really one to be tied down." _Rose paused in her reading and then looked at the Doctor with a smirk, "Well, I'm guessing that depends on the circumstances."

"Oh, Rose, no!" the Doctor cried, making a lunge towards her and aiming to grab the book from her grip. She skilfully jumped from her seat and avoided his attempt, holding the book out of his reach. The Doctor sighed and flopped down in the seat she'd be been sitting in looking traumatised again. "I will never be able to look at that man in the same way again."

Rose laughed hysterically, clutching her ribs with her free hand. "This is amazing. I'm never going to let you forget this."

"Rose!" the Doctor whined, "Come _on." _

Rose just sniggered and leaned against the door of the TARDIS, turning her eyes back to the page she was reading, "_He went through life being idolised and adored. For his high school prom, he had a grand total of ninety-seven date requests. Being as awesome as he was, Jack managed to go with them all and make each one's night memorable."_

"I'll bet he did," the Doctor grumbled looking mutinously at the floor.

"Jealous?" Rose queried, raising her eyebrow casually.

"No!" the Doctor replied at once, nearly choking on his words in his desperation to set the situation straight. "Right, is that it done? Good. Well-."

"Oh no!" Rose said evenly, "There's still another couple of lines."

"Well get it over with then," the Timelord sighed and sunk lower into his chair.

"_And so it was that Jack became eternally gorgeous and the reason behind his good fortune in love was revealed. Jack Harkness was blessed by the Sex God." _Rose looked at the page for a moment and then looked up at the Doctor, "Well. _That_ explains so much."

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**Any suggestions for the Boeist Bible are much appreciated! Whatever you suggest will most likely be written. **


	3. Jack: Death and Rebirth

**Author's Note: Right. FanFiction is clearly out to get me. This is the fourth time I made this author note and edited this chapter. Schermionie kindly pointed out my errors in this and made me realise something had gone wrong. The author's note uploaded was last chapters one. D: So firstly, big thanks to Schermionie. Also, thank you reviewers, LittleMissBones, EternalDevil, Josie, Annie, L.C, Maple, Mysty and XtimeGirlX****. Reviews make me very happy so click that ever so handsome button!**

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"Right, Rose, surely there's more important things to do with our time than reading some perverted, misinformed, egotistical book?" the Doctor queried as he stood up and walked towards his companion trying to pry the book out of her grip. He felt dirty even touching the thing, let alone having to endure the torment of actually knowing what was inside it.

"Doctor, we travel in time! We've got all the time in the world!" Rose scoffed, jumping out of his reach again. "And besides, it looks like you're mentioned in the next chapter!"

The Doctor's face was a picture of horror at that point. "What...? Please tell me you're kidding? You're kidding aren't you? I'm not really in the book?"

"Oh yes," Rose said, "You're in here all right!" She leaned against the wall and read out the title, "_Jack: Death and Rebirth... _I'm guessing this is about the time we met the Daleks at the Game Station...?"

_"_Oh no..." the Doctor blinked. "Y'know that could be quite a serious story but somehow, just _somehow, _I get the feeling that this has a very Jack-like twist to it. But if I'm in this one, you should be too. Still want to read it?"

"Of course! Especially if I'm in it! This is going to be good," Rose smirked, "You have to hear this!"

"No, Rose, I don't," the Doctor shook his head slightly and sighed. "Please?"

"I think you do," she said happily before taking her seat again and beginning to read, "_Jack had always been one for adventuring but the biggest was perhaps when he met the Doctor. This was all he was known as and to be frank, Jack found it somewhat attractive. It, in his opinion, brought an air of mystery and he liked that."_

"Stop reading now! Please!" the Doctor begged desperately, "Rose, stop!"

Ignoring him, the blonde woman carried on reading despite his protests, "_He said he was a __Timelord__. Jack had never met a __Timelord__. He thought this would be an interesting experience and it was indeed. Jack was certain the Doctor was playing hard to get-."_

"I was playing bloody impossible to get!" the Doctor burst out in annoyance. "Jack and I...? Ew! Stop reading!"

"No! This is priceless. _Jack was certain the Doctor was playing hard to get so he fought still harder to get him. The Doctor also had a __glamorous__assistant__ who was more than a little __gorgeous__, Rose Tyler. The __stunningly__ beautiful Jack understood why he fitted in well in the group and so he began voyaging through time and space with them."_

_"_So... he's suggesting he came with us because he was_... beautiful?" _the Doctor said with a mixture of incredulity and amusement in his voice.

"Yes, I guess he is," Rose laughed, "But he called me gorgeous!"

She smiled happily and watched the Doctor roll his eyes in annoyance. "Don't be sucked in by his flattery!" he insisted as he perched on the edge of the consol, frowning sullenly. "Just... read on."

"Pardon?" Rose said, shocked and confused. Just moments ago, the Doctor had been loudly protesting about reading the book.

"Well, if I'm mentioned, I want to know what he's saying about me!" the Doctor explained quickly. "That we I can be prepared."

"For what, exactly?"

"For when people stop me in the streets and quote Jack's Bible!" the Doctor said as though this was the most obvious thing in the world.

Rose rolled her eyes and then carried on reading as he'd requested, making the most of his compliance, "_One day however, a great __tragedy__ happened. Jack was murdered by a __Dalek__ who clearly had no taste in men. It was the most shocking event to ever shake time. Jack, the glorious sexy wonder, was deceased."_

"How can he make such a tragic event so... ridiculous?" the Doctor wanted to know, looking horrified.

"Doctor, this was Jack who wrote this. Does that not explain it?" Rose said before turning the page and reading on, "_Nobody needed to mourn for long because Rose Tyler proved to be something of a heroine though. She looked right into the heart of the beautiful lady that was the __TARDIS__ and gained the power to bring life and death. Using this power, she brought Jack back to life because he was simply too good to leave dead. Rose clearly had a thing for Jack. Perhaps she had not fulfilled her dreams regarding the Jack the Sex God and Jack swore he'd pay her back for saving him."_

For a moment, there was silence.

"Rose?" the Doctor probed.

"Um," was all she could think of saying as she looked at the Doctor bewildered. "I think we can stop reading now." She quickly closed the book and made towards the stairs intending to hide it.

With a triumphant smile, the Doctor launched after her and grabbed the book from her hands. "No. Now, it's my turn."

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**Any suggestions for the ****Boeist**** Bible are much appreciated! **


	4. Jack: Time Travel

**Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who reviewed last chapter: NoVacancyMind, Maple, To A Skylark, Voldy, Josie, Harlequin Shadow, Queen Nightshade de Freak and L.C! Also, those of you who favourited this are equally as awesome! **

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The Doctor held the book gingerly, still feeling more than a little repulsed by it. However, this time, the power was entirely in his hands. It was his turn to get back at Rose for subjecting him to those previous stories. He slowly opened it and found the next chapter. "_Jack: Time Travel,_" he read aloud. "Well, this could be fun."

Rose's horror and bewilderment made the Doctor laugh. The tables had turned now, he thought as his companion stood up from the ground where she'd landed when he'd grabbed the book from her. She looked almost nervous when she said, "It can't be that bad, surely?" With that, she walked towards the vacant chairs. The Timelord could tell that she knew exactly how bad this chapter might be.

"_There were many things in the universe that Jack loved - some for a long time and some only for a brief passionate moment. One of this things was time travel," _the Doctor read with a small smirk forming as Rose sank down into her chair. He felt something resembling triupmh as he watched her wince in something that could only be described as fear.

"Doctor-," she began to protest but he just read on.

"_When Jack discovered time-travel, it was as a Time Agent. He loved his work and meeting the Doctor on Earth added to his love for it," _the Doctor read, wincing slightly at the mention of his own name, frightened about what this might lead to. Screwing up his courage, he read on valiently, "_Jack believed that time travel was doing the world a great justice. There are billions and billions of species and planets in the universe that do not deserve to miss out on the chance to meet such a dashing, sexy hero as Jack Harkness."_

Both the Doctor and Rose were momentarily speechless. They looked at each other incredulously and then Rose eventually said, "Please. Don't read the rest!"

"Oh, I can't possibly leave you hanging like that," the Doctor laughed and then turned his gaze back down to the words on the page. Finding his place again, he carried on, "_Jack thought this way he could bring his awesomeness and glory to every single time, to every single species and to every single timeline. It was only fair to share his wonderfullness because otherwise, it seemed, people would feel left out."_

_"_I'll never be able to look at time travel the same again," Rose said quietly. She looked stunned.

Her disgust was the only thing that kept the Timelord reading. If he was perfectly honest with himself, which he mostly was, he didn't want to read on. He was horrified by what he was reading too but he would never admit that to Rose. Admitting that would mean she had won this battle. He couldn't allow that, could he? Taking a deep breath, he started to read again, "_One person who was not, however, impressed with Jack's generosity was the Doctor. The beautiful Timelord was constantly telling him not to wander off with unknown species and embark on adventures of a more sexual nature with them. Jack thought the Timelord was jealous and spent a significant amount of time flirting with him. His efforts were, sadly, futile and this proved a hute frustration."_

The Doctor winced and Rose smirked, "And you were trying to get to me by reading this?" she challenged incredulously.

"I wouldn't get so comfortable if I were you," the Doctor warned as he scanned the rest of the page, his face morphing into an amused smile. "_Rose Tyler, however, was quite amused by his experiences and he told her numerous tales of his experiences. He tried to convince her to join him on one of his adventures once. She would have accepted, Jack was sure, if the Doctor hadn't walked into the room."_

_"_Oh dear," Rose said, staring at the Timelord in horror.

The Doctor sniggered and carried on reading, "_Jack, being the most awesome master of sex and relationships that had ever corrupted the universe, thought the Doctor should just hurry up and..." _The Doctor fell silent again and blinked, shocked.

Suddenly curious and amused that the Doctor's plan to torment her was hugely backfiring, she stood up and made to read over his shoulder but he stepped away and pulled the book against his chest, sheilding it from her view. She protested loudly at this, "Doctor! Let me read it!"

"You don't really need to," the Doctor said.

"Yes I do," she said and grabbed the book from his grip and quickly found the place on the page while dodging out of the Doctor's way. "_...the Doctor should just hurry up and kiss the girl and admit he loved her more than the TARDIS herself (who, Jack admittedly thought, was a very erotic creature)."_

Silence fell in the TARDIS then. Even the TARDIS seemed to momentarily fall quiet. Rose and the Doctor looked at each other awkwardly. Rose blushed slightly and giggled. The Doctor simply gaped. This was, perhaps, one of the most awkward moments in the Doctor's timeline. He held out his hand and said, "Give me that book."

"Oh, I don't think so. I want to know what else it says about you," the blonde companion sniggered in amusement. And so it was that the Doctor's plan to find some embarrassing story about Rose failed. Yet again, his plan had backfired. Sighing, he resigned himself and lay back on the floor waiting for the worst to come, his hands over his eyes.

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**Any suggestions for the Boeist Bible are much appreciated!**

**Also a little shameless advertising: Check out "The TARDIS" forum. I started it this morning and it needs some life! Come and take a look everyone! :)**


	5. The TARDIS and the Dalek

**Author's Note: I cant even begin to apologise for the length of time it took to update this. I know you guys dont want to hear excuses, you want stories but... Sixth Year? It's been mental. And then gettng a part time job, and uni applications... It's so beyond crazy I havent had much time for writing... So, Im so incredibly sorry! I really hope you enjoy this chapter despite how stupidly long it took to update.**

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Rose flicked through the book, almost with a keen interest now. She was looking for the slightest reference of the Time Lord whom was still sat on the floor with his head in his hands, resigned to his fate. "Hey, Doctor?" she gasped. "Look!"

"No!" the Doctor said, his voice muffled by his hands. "I'm not looking at that."

"But this is about the TARDIS!" Rose said, her voice a mixture of excitement and sheer terror, feeling a little on edge about how this particular trip might have been written and twisted. She could have sworn she heard the TARDIS groan as she said this however, and she immediately felt a little bit guilty for reading this out loud.

"What? No!" the Doctor cried, looking up in panic. "Rose, don't read it." He rested a hand gently on the TARDIS console from where he sat on the ground, as though to sooth her as Rose raised an eye brow incredulously.

"It's called "_Jack: The TARDIS"," _Rose told him, walking over to sit beside the Doctor on the ground, the book held tightly in her grip in case he should try and steal it from her. "You know, I really think you should hear this... You might have some competition for the TARDIS's affections if we're going by Jack's words."

"Oh," was the only intelligent through the Doctor manage to form into words. "...No..."

"No choice," the blonde giggled. "Listen to this..." Rose said, reading. "_There is much speculation as to how Jack became the wondrous immortal that he so clearly is; his inability to die simply making him increasingly more incredible as each day passed. The Boeist Bible is the only source of truth regarding the true reasoning – the honest, reliable truth."_

"Did you just say "honest"...? "Truth"...?" the Doctor raised an eyebrow incredulously. "See, now we know this is going to be lies."

"Well, yes, but I want to see where this goes. At least this won't be about either of us!" Rose reasoned thoughtfully, looking at the man beside her and grinning cheerfully. "So shut up and listen..._ Jack had always been aware how the TARDIS must have felt for him-."_

"Wait, what?" the Doctor cried out in shock and horror, slapping a hand against his forehead.

Rose didn't acknowledge this but instead carried on reading for a moment. "..._when he touched her dials and buttons and made her make beautiful noises when then travelled together in time and space with the Doctor."_

"This is disgusting," the Doctor winced. "And what's worse? I'm involved now too."

"Hey, but it just sounds like Jack appreciates the TARDIS as much as you do," Rose winked at him as the Doctor stared at her wide eyed like a rabbit in headlights. She laughed, "Doctor, don't think I haven't seen you two alone together."

The Doctor blushed scarlet and glowered at her darkly, "Just... get on with this story if you have to."

Rose smirked, considering this a personal victory and read on, "_She was more than a machine, she was a woman... a beautiful woman. She was not immune to Jack's wonderful charm either, and Jack knew she loved him almost as much as she adored the heroic, handsome time lord that called her his."_

"That's because she is mine!" the Doctor protested helplessly.

"Not at all possessive then," Rose commented without taking her eyes from the page.

"Who's side are you on?" the Doctor complained, whining at her.

"I'm sorry," she giggled not sounding sorry at all, "But this is just too funny... _It was for this simple reason that when Rose Tyler was possessed by the TARDIS after a run in with a Dalek that was tragically misinformed as to Jack's beauty that he knew his blue lover would save him."_

"...It wasn't _really _the TARDIS possessing you-," the Doctor went to object, picking apart the truth in this story.

"Shush," Rose told him off as she carried on reading, quite interested in this story now. "_Jack had been very unfortunate in this particular encounter as he stared death in face. The Daleks were universally feared – bringing terror to many a civilisation, causing chaos and terror wherever they went." _She paused for a moment and looked at the Doctor thoughtfully "At least that's true!"

"Until he manipulates the rest of this story which he undoubtedly will..." the Doctor muttered darkly, staring at the wall opposite, trying to simply endure this story if he couldn't stop it being told.

"Stop whining," Rose chastised rolling her eyes and turning her attention back to the book, "_The Daleks, however, were no match for the wonder that was Jack Harkness because he was, undeniably, simply too marvellous for even their evilness to tarnish and the sheer fact he had the support of the TARDIS made him, ultimately, awesome. It was for this reason that, when he came face to face with the bauble-covered plunger-faced pepper-pots, that they could not outdo his sheer beauty – even when they thought he had killed them. _

The Doctor blinked then looked at the book, "...He's saying the Daleks couldn't kill him because he was beautiful?"

"He did credit the TARDIS too," Rose told him, laughing a little at this, finding this whole thing hilarious. "_The TARDIS had given Rose all the power of a god and there was no way she would allow him to die when he was simply so beautiful and undeniably the only man who could ever make her feel so good." _

"Is there a certificate rating on this?" the Doctor asked, "I'm not sure this is suitable for a universal audience..."

"Jack thinks it is," Rose sniggered in amusement as she read the final paragraphs of the story. "_She brought him back to life and filled him with the most wondrous of love just as he made sure she knew he was grateful, even though he could not stay with the blue box forever because he still had work to do enlightening the lives of the people of the universe and bringing beauty to the stars."_

The Doctor and Rose exchanged glances. Rose burst out laughing. The Doctor continued to stare at her. "Rose, this just keeps getting worse. That was horrific. It can't get any worse, surely?"

"Let's test that theory shall we?" Rose grinned, turning the page to the next story.

"Oh please no..."


	6. The Torchwood Institute

**Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed! Sorry to any I havent replied to in person because I was on holiday shortly after uploading the and had no access to fanfic while I was there. But it means the world to me when people review, and Im so grateful this story still has a following despite the time it took to upload.**

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Rose smirked at the Doctor as she turned the page to look at the next story. "_Jack Harkness: The Torchwood Institute,_" she read aloud before glancing at the Doctor whose face had suddenly lit up with childish glee. She frowned at him, "What is it?"

He jumped to his feet and bounded over to Rose and peered over her shoulder, bemusing Rose with his sudden change of attitude. "I know who should hear this!" he grinned, now happy that the next story was not going to be aimed at him.

"Who?" Rose queried curiously.

"Torchwood themselves," the Doctor announced with a mischievous grin as he darted to the console already changing the settings and pressing various buttons and twisting dials like some sort of ritualistic dance.

In less than two minutes, the Doctor had landed then in Cardiff in the 21st century. He took Rose's hand and half-dragged her out of the TARDIS and along the bay, barely acknowledging the scenery or the people milling around going about their day to day business. Rose laughed, clutching the book to her chest as she ran along with him.

"Hi!" he grinned as he burst into the tourist entrance of Torchwood and encountered a friendly, young Welshman. "I'm the Doctor. And I've got something that might interest you and you're little team."

The man hesitated and looked at him curiously, "You know about us?"

"Yes, yes, Torchwood," the Doctor nodded excitedly, grabbing the book from Rose and holding it out to the young man in front of him. "We found this. And we thought you'd be interested."

As the young man read the cover, his eyes widened and his mouth fell open slightly. "...I think you should come in," he said after a moment.

The Torchwood team were assembled in the board room, crowded around the Doctor whom held their attention like some sort of magician as he held the book in his hands, looking around at them. Jack Harkness himself, however, was absent at present. Ianto Jones had mentioned something about an intelligence-gathering trip when he was questioned about the Captain's whereabouts. The Doctor, however, was quietly glad that Jack wasn't there at the moment.

"Well. Lets here it then," Gwen prompted, looking at the Doctor in wide eyed apprehension, almost fearful about what the book would hold. Her worries were only increased once the Doctor did start to actually read the chapter.

_"Jack Harkness was so incredibly awesome that people stopped to stare at his sheer beauty."_Here, the Doctor paused and looked around at his stunned audience, grinning with pride at being able to inflict this on somebody else now.

"...You've got to be kidding." Owen Harper was the first to speak. "Jack wrote this?"

"Are you really surprised?" Gwen asked him, looking around with a pained grimace.

"Well... no," Owen sighed looking disgusted. "Urgh, do we have to listen to this?"

"Yep!" the Doctor grinned cheerfully going back to reading, "_This was, incidentally was how Jack came to be discovered by the Torchwood Institute – he had simply been walking along exuding sexy wonder when a Torchwood agent had spotted him and stopped him to ask him to join their team of Earth-defending musketeers. Naturally Jack had accepted because he'd be able to use his beauty and immortality to nobly defend Earth which was one of the planets most to appreciate his wonder."_

"What?" Owen squeaked, "He thinks we appreciate his wonder? Ianto might but-."

"Owen," Ianto interrupted, flustered, glaring at his colleague to be quiet.

"Oooh, are you and Jack-?" Rose began but Ianto got up quickly announcing he was going to make coffee in a desperate bid to change the subject.

In seconds, Gwen was on her feet, an arm around him, forcing him back to his seat. "If we're being subjected to this, so are you."

The Doctor just smiled slyly and carried on, "_It wasn't long before Jack had risen through the ranks of Torchwood, managing to be both a caring lover and a hard-hearted demon in the face of danger and trouble. He did so magnificently and therefore fully deserved his position as a boss and he was able to develop Torchwood into something altogether more attractive and smooth operation."_

"Oh no," Toshiko whispered quietly, speaking for the first time. "Please say we aren't mentioned?"

"Why do you think we came here?"Rose laughed happily, throwing an arm around the Doctor and smiling around at them before taking the book from the Doctor and going to read it out, "_It was quite an accomplishment, even if he said so himself. Which, in fact, he did."_

"Yeah but that doesn't mean he has to share it," Owen muttered darkly.

Rose laughed and carried on, "_Jack didn't know of anyone who wasn't totally stunned by his new team: Gwen Cooper who was his protégée and was honestly quite attractive-."_

"He thinks that?" Gwen gasped at Rose, eyes widening, jumping to her feet and going to read the book over her shoulder.

"Gwen, we all knew Jack likes you," Owen said moodily, swinging back on his chair and looking impatient. "What's he got to say about me?"

Rose rolled her eyes and continued,_ "Owen Harper who had a sorted of rough charm that appealed to Jack even if he could never outdo the ultimate sex-god that was himself-."_

Owen was speechless for a moment before blurting out, "He likes me? Like _that_? ...Oh, hell."

Ianto was beginning to look more than a little jealous.

Rose carried on, "_Toshiko Sato who was polite and sweet and something of a contrast to the rest of the team but balanced them out nicely..."_

_"_Aw!" Gwen smiled, "That's nice!" Toshiko merely blushed slightly.

"_And then there was Ianto Jones. And Ianto Jones was just so goddamn beautiful that Jack was happy to have him on his team of attractive people, and maybe even he'd even been able to find the cute Welshman a special place in his heart. Which was quite something for Jack Harkness. Jack and Ianto were together a lot and-."_

"And that's definitely a story worth telling," a new voice joined them now. Everyone spun around and saw Jack Harkness in person burst through the door, hands in his pockets casually as he looked around the group. "Maybe I should take over here... Besides. You don't want to read much further – doesn't do you good to know the future."


End file.
